Month: December 2013
I like to be a “dude” just as much as the next American guy and all the typical stuff that comes with it.
I’ll check out a girl’s ass with no remorse.
I love nothing more than chest bumping my buddies when my favorite football team scores.
I’ll tell you to quit being a pansy if you ever even mention the word “LOVE” in my sight.
You name it. The list of shit about being a dude I love is endless.
That is why you will seldom hear me talk about one of my favorite hobbies.
That is going to a regular yoga class.
However, I do openly admit to going to “Bikram Yoga.”. I think the heat makes it grueling enough that I can justify going as a dude.
The regular classes are weird. They’re uncomfortable. And, The beginning of class just makes me feel plain awkward to be honest.
I still feel one million times more sane after a class. And, that is why I will always carry on with my secret little habit.
Going to yoga class, in Taiwan, has not even remotely close to lessened the awkward sting of going to yoga.
I actually will wait to go into the class until about one minute before the class starts.
This is to make ABSOLUTELY certain I am not the only dude in there.
Somehow, I managed to up the ante of awkwardness in this afternoon’s 13:20 to 14:20 class.
Why the fuck the class starts at 20 after is beyond me.
About 5 minutes into the class, we started our first “runner’s lunge” pose of many for the day.
A “runner’s lunge” is pretty much what it sounds like.
One leg lunges forward , while the other goes back giving you a pretty decent stretch.
Today’s “runner’s lunge” was extra special.
That was because I suddenly heard a gigantic ripping noise as I eased into the pose.
This noise was loud enough to be heard over the speakers, and felt like it lasted for 2 of the longest seconds of my life.
The reason I was so sensitive to this noise was because the horrifying sound, was actually the crotch line in my pants being shredded and mutilated.
It left me with a cut-out right dead center in my crotch larger than you could possibly imagine.
Instantly, I thought maybe I should just “call er a day.”
But, my other instinct saying ,”You have boxers on”. It’s no big deal.” proudly took over.
So, I politely stayed in the room for the whole class trying not to make any more rips.
With 90 percent of my crotch-line looking like somebody used it for bb-gun target practice, it can’t get any worse, right???
Think again my friends. That sucker kept on ripping. And, the hole kept getting bigger.
My emotions were an interesting mix between feeling quite foolish, and just not giving a shit. I had already committed myself to staying.
What’s the difference between an absurdly large rip, and a full blow-out, right?
Finally, after 60 minutes of twisting and turning, and hoping my nut sack didn’t fly out like a free bird, the class was over.
So, I just calmly got up, and walked out of there with my legs kept as closely together as possible.
I’m not quite sure that really did anything.
The day is over and my pants are ripped.
But, I will still be back there next Thursday at 13:19 sharp as long as I am not the only “dude.”
One year down in “The Taiwan!”
I miss every one of you fuckers! ha ha..
When I left America, I thought I would be the “king of cram schools,” by the end of my first 3 months.
Cram schools are the name of the schools that teachers work at here.
I also thought I was going to have tons of Taiwanese girls begging to learn English from “The Joshie.”
Why did I think I was going to propel myself into such a heightened state of economic and social prowess?
You may ask.
This was mainly because I met some dude with lots of good stuff to say about Taiwan.
I met him on a “Learn Chinese” meetup group that I mistakenly clicked on once
I never went to one of their “Learn Chinese” meetups.
But, this random dude happened to live in Taiwan for 10 years.
He told me that he and his wife used to walk to the bank with bags of an equivalent of thousands of US dollars in cash every day.
I thought, “Well, I can do the same thing.”
And besides, no complete stranger that you know absolutely nothing about besides an article he published on about.com would ever fabricate the truth? Right? ha ha
When is the last time I mentioned I can be a complete dumb-ass at times?
Well, 3 months into my first teaching job, I was counting down the days until I could quit that English slaughter house.
The good news is “Teacher Joshie” has met lots of Taiwanese girls.
But, let’s just say they’re not exactly lining up around the corner waiting for me.
However, my one year stint has still been a wild ride to say the least.
I have had adventures ranging from getting a job offer from an 8 year old kid, to clogging the shitter at my school while getting the attention of an entire hallway full of Taiwanese kids.
I have sat in a Filipino church and told the priest when asked “Why are you here?”, “Girls, Father, Sexy Girls.”
I have even attempted a runaway stint to work in the Philipinnes as a writer for Sexymandarin.com
I have stood on top of tables in front of 45 Senior High students and told stories about bak-ing like a chicken.
I have snuck in the back entrance of sex motels.
I have sung karaoke in a Filipino bar.
The list could go on for days.
None of it has a God Damn thing to do about money.
And, I am actually much worse off financially then when I left.
But, I am still content with my progress.
“The Josh Dent” vision in one sentence or less is about being a dude with a hell of a lot of stories to tell when I am sitting on a park bench when I am 80 years old.
I want some 20 year old kid to walk away from “my park bench” and think Holy Shit,
I hope I get to do half the shit that guy did.
The only missing part of this story is the hot chick to share along in these experiences.
Got a good story from my Senior High School class the other day.
These kids are always curious to hear about their teacher’s lives. So, I decided to tell them the story about the first time I ordered from an “All-Chinese” menu..
It was one of the most well-executed stories I ever told.
I somehow managed to catch their attention very quickly. And, the story was building towards its thrilling climax at just the right pace.
That was when I decided to stand up on the chair in front of my desk to finish off the ending to this story.
While standing in the front of the room on top of a 3 foot high chair, I happened to notice my boss walking into the room for the first time since I started teaching there.
With all 42 pairs of eyes locked in on me standing on top of this chair, there was really point in holding back now that the “boss man” was there.
I also don’t have the ability to ask him what he wants and get right back into “game mode.”
The catch is that this was the part of the story that you ABSOLUTELY would not want somebody to only hear this part.
I had already told them them I was really struggling to order my “not SPICY chicken” in Chinese and I was getting quite angry.
With the boss man looking, that was when I offered up a very animated version of how I acted out the word chicken by flapping my arms like wings and chanting “Bak Bak Bak, CHICKEN!!”
Considering all 42 kids were laughing hysterically, I decided to go with another round of even louder and more obnoxious “bak bak bak’s.”
Let’s not also forget that my face was already natural bright-red from last weekend’s sunburn, and I am notoriously known for a vein the size of an apple popping out of my forehead when I am excited.
I really just did not even care that he was standing 10 feet away from me and I am supposed to “act normal” as the teacher.
My boss, John, is one of the nicest people I have met in Taiwan. He just pretended like it didn’t even happen.
I mean, really, what could you say?? ha ha…